Top 5 Reasons that John McCain will not be President

5. He is misreading the winds -

The reason that the general public has anointed Obama as saint is simply because he is preaching Change harder than a Tzeentch Lord (Warhammer reference...look it up). THAT is what people want to hear. And in a way that I think very few people are vocalizing - Obama doesn't just SPEAK about change, he LOOKS like change. He is black, he is young, he has a cool sounding name, unlike the previous 43 Whitey McWhiterson the Thirds who have been our nation's C-in-C.

Instead, take John McCain's speech after the Potomac primaries last night - he basically scoffed at the idea of change that Obama has been campaigning on. Nobody wants to hear some curmudgeonly old white guy talk about how the idea of change is ridiculous. That is EXACTLY why Obama is doing so well right now to begin with. Its almost as though John McCain was HANDPICKED to be the guy who would go down in flames against Obama.

4. Neither Liberals nor Conservatives seem very fond of him -

Liberals rightly see him as the second coming of George Bush. While they may pay lip service to his heroism in Vietnam, it isn't likely to play super well in a country that is tired of the War.

Conservatives rightly see him as too moderate, and simply not as Anti-Abortion or uber Christian as they would like him to be. This is gonna hurt him BAD - he is too George Bush to win with the Liberals, and not George Bush enough to win with the Conservatives.

3. His Foreign Policy Hawkishness

A large portion of America has had enough of George Bush's gung-ho "Lets kick some ass! Bring it on!" sort of attitude. While grandstanding about how America is so great and awesome and makes you just want to splooge your pants might have seemed fresh and relevant in 2000 and after the September 11th terror attacks, flag humping just seems hollow right now, when we are faced with the reality of several thousand American dead for a war that doesn't seem to have accomplished anything worthwhile, a war that McCain seems to want to go on forever.

Americans now as always have mostly just wanted to get along with the rest of the world, and that is where public sentiment is heading. That is what Obama seems to be promising. McCain just looks like more Hawkish nonsense that is gonna get us into the same messes over and over again.

2. He is old as dirt

Just like this hampered Bob Dole, it will hamper McCain. We like our Presidents old, but not Crypt Keeper old.

1. George Bush

This is the big one, and even absent all the other factors on the list, this would still be enough to stop him from getting elected.

George Bush is a hated hated hated man. His Presidency was awful and has left millions with a bad taste in their mouth. The mass majority simply got tired of the rank arrogance of the Bush administration combined with the incompetence and the lying that seem to have accompanied it like Peanut Butter accompanies Jelly. History won't be kind to George Bush - and I think his failed presidency has taken a chunk out of the Conservatives in this country that will take at least a generation to rebuild.

What John McCain has not done enough of is separating himself from the Bush legacy. It isn't enough to not talk about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, you need to tell us why he was a dolt and you will be so much better.

I think John McCain is smarter and more sensible than George Bush, with a much much much more impressive history of service to the USA, but he isn't selling that. Just like with Mitt Romney, Republicans know when someone isn't a true conservative.

Being a Republican is going to be a black mark hard to overcome this November, and John McCain isn't doing what it takes to get over that.

Lets all point and laugh at the Patriots

Watching the Patriots get embarassed in a bar full of rowdy people in the French Quarter was one of my best sporting experiences since I saw Kerry Wood throw twenty strikeouts at Wrigley Field like 9 years ago.

People will be talking about that game forever. It makes the whole issue of the Patriots legacy much cloudier. I think they might have lost the mantle of "greatest team ever" in just one game.

I am sure Tom Brady will be crying while he has sex with Giselle and burns 100 dollar bills to keep himself warm. Thats not to say that Tom Brady doesn't normally cry while he has sex with Giselle of course.

Bill Bellicheck took another opportunity to show the world what a tremendous douchebag he really is.

Eli Manning Tom Brady-d Tom Brady, and thats hard work. He basically became a hero in one game.

I can't sleep, so lets talk about Eurodance

My insomnia is a deeply personal problem. Having finished the first book in what promises to be a long and fulfilling relationship with Neil Gaiman's flagship Horror comic series The Sandman (which, if you didn't know is about, you guessed it, the Sandman, who apparently looks a lot like Neil Gaiman), and not being in a very Lovecraftian mood at the moment, I want to write about a beautiful genre of music that is being neglected and looked down upon in our troubled times.

Yes. Eurodance.

I grew up as a child of the early Nineties. Eurodance was the dominant form of music at the time - and with good reason.

Eurodance proved that one needed neither the ability to compose competent lyrics nor the ability to play instruments if you wanted to have an international superhit.

All one needed was: 1. some vague and meaningless statement about love or sex, 2. a powerful woman vocalist, 3. an unstoppable beat, 4. a douchebaggy male to come in with a rap verse to back up the woman vocalist

Does all Eurodance sound the same? Yes. Does that stop it from being awesome? No, not at all.

Song highlights of the Eurodance era:

La Bouche - Be My Lover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klIeYU0UUuQ

Comments: A particularly tasty dance number. Listen to this a few times and see if you aren't singing it for MONTHS. Bonus points if you can watch that bald guy dance with milk in your mouth, without it coming out your nose.

Culture Beat - Mr. Vain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvgUdrzGNys

Comments: Simply the greatest Eurodance song ever made. It is Eurodance, in the same way that Apocalypse Now is Vietnam. To this day I can sing the song verbatim, including the rapping parts. How many Eurotrash clubbers snorted coke to this one?

Gonna Make You Sweat - C&C Music Factory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b714Wi4CDsQ

Comments: I don't know who C&C are, but they sure get what the genre is about. Shame on them for replacing the woman who actually sang the hook with an incredibly hot smoking busty model.

What is Love - Haddaway
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsCXZczTQXo

Comments: Pretty much impossible to talk about without referencing the Night at the Roxbury sketches. The video is notable for how INCREDIBLY high Haddaway looks throughout. Its like they had a giant pile of fine cut Miami Snow just off camera, and all he had to do was get through whatever particular scene he was filming. An utter classic of the genre.

Better Off Alone -Alice Deejay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dBu5X3TvNw

Comments: An incredibly awesome song, that I have listened to WAY too many times. I associate this song with Mardi Gras for some reason. It asks a very good question of everyone - DO you think you're better off alone? P.S. Alice Deejay is a cyborg.

Groovejet (If this Ain't Love) - DJ Spiller and Sophie Ellis Bextor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwY4QX6eLjQ

Comment: My second favorite song on this list. Something about the beat combined with Bextor's cool as ice singing just makes me want to drive around all night. Sophie Ellis Bextor is a cutie too, in an annoyingly spoiled rich girl way.

Legend has it (if you equate Legend with Wikipedia, and I do) that this was the first song EVER played on an iPod.

This is Your Night - Amber
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDQK1xdRBKw&feature=related

Comment: Daba Daba di di da di day

Because the Night - Jan Wayne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbwM0uoLXmk&feature=related
Comment: They took Patti Smith's soft rock classic about earnest, yearning love, and turned it into a trashy Eurodance hit. And it couldn't be more awesome. Bonus for the creepy bald German dude who gives a shout out before the break down part of the song. You ALWAYS get a bonus for creepy bald German dudes.

Yes, I am now teh blogger.

What is nerdier? The fact that I am now going to blog, or the fact that my signing name is a reference to the Cthulhu Mythos?

I have always wanted a blog. Now I have one. Your life as you know it is now over...you and your species will be adapted to serve me.

Stay posted.