Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. He knows where They have trod earth's fields, and where They still tread them, and why no one can behold Them as They tread.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My 10 Greatest Villains

10. Tony Montana (Scarface)

"You know what? Fuck you! How about that?"

Tony Montana refuses to see the world as anything other than exactly what he wants it to be. He is so uncompromising that, even at film's end, as he is defiant and riddled with bullets, we get the sense that no lesson was learned. He fought his way to top on nothing but bluffing and persona, and his ultimate fall came because he refused to compromise on his belief systems. He was never afraid of Sosa, the cocaine king he betrayed, but maybe he should have been. He wouldn't be Tony Montana in that case, however.

Tony Montana is a dark, inverted reflection of the Horatio Alger story. We want to be like him in his success, but we are repulsed by the things he does to get there.

9. Garland/Chaos (Final Fantasy)


"I will be reborn again here. So even as you die again and again, I shall return! Born again into this endless circle I have created!"

I consider Garland's story in the first Final Fantasy game to be a simple masterstroke of weird fantasy storytelling. A petty knight with delusions of grandeur, Garland is easily defeated and cast aside in the game's very first dungeon. Then, after the heroes have travelled thousands of miles, defeated the Fiend of the Elements themselves, and then gone four thousand years into the past they find themselves facing Garland once more. He has outsmarted them and merged himself with the fiends to become the dark god Chaos.

By defeating Chaos, the heroes undo the events of the game and destroy all memory of their heroism.

8. Marlo Stanfield (The Wire)


"Let them know Marlo step to any motherfucker -- Omar, Barksdale, whoever. My name is my name!"




Marlo Stanfield is the lord and master of his own tiny crime fiefdom within Baltimore. He is ten times as ruthless as his predecessor, Avon Barksdale, and like Tony Montana he has no fear. He begins as, in some ways, an allegory for the Iraqi insurgency against the American army, and ends the show embodying the seedy, dark side of Baltimore that can never truly die or be put out of sight.

He isn't as clever as Stringer Bell, Avon Barksdale's right hand man, but in the end, his cruelty and power catapults him to legitimacy. Legitimacy was what Stringer Bell wanted, but it suits Marlo poorly. His last scene is perfection - dressed in a suit he assaults two men on a street corner, drawing his own blood in the process. He simply cannot be "good".

7. Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos (The Cthulhu Mythos)


"And it was then that Nyarlathotep came out of Egypt. Who he was, none could tell, but he was of the old native blood and looked like a Pharaoh."


Nyarlathotep is perhaps the only deific being within the Cthulhu Mythos that could be rightly considered a villain. Whereas the Great Old Ones are unaware of humanity, Nyarlathotep makes it a part of his mission to mess with humanity on grand scale. He is the Mythos' version of Satan, but unlike the ruler of Hell, Nyarlathotep is unrestrained in his actions. There is no benevolent deity watching over. There is only Azathoth, the blind mumbling Lord of the Universe, who Nyarlathotep serves and hates.


Wherever there is an opportunity to aid humanity in destroying itself, Nyarlathotep will be there. In the end, Nyarlathotep is destined to destroy the Earth, and so his sadistic manipulations of humans is purely for his own pleasure.


6. Sovereign (Mass Effect)

"You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it."

Sovereign is what Cthulhu could be if he would only stop being such a pussy. Delivering a masterpiece of a villain monologue, Sovereign, the leader of an advanced race of synthetic beings who have secretly created and destroyed civilization within the galaxy uncountable thousands of times, informs the player that (s)he is an insignifant mutation next to the awesome grandeur of the eternal Reapers. And we believe him!

His eventual defeat comes at the hands of Commander Shepard, humanity's greatest hero, and at the cost of most of the united galaxy's warships. (There are breathtaking scenes here where Sovereign literally smashes apart enemy ships with his own frame, not even slowing down.) And yet he is only one among thousands of his kind. Ominous.


5. The Joker (Batman)

"They said I was sick in the head. They said I needed help. Well, maybe I'm a little Batty blame it on the Bats in my belfry!"


Joker would not be a great villain were he not the enemy of Batman. The hero-villain synergy of the two is without parallel. The Joker is a laughing force of chaos and destruction, Batman is a solemn defender of law and order. Much like the forces they represent, Batman and the Joker need each other to have existence and meaning. The Joker was Batman's first notable adversary in the 40's, and he has remained his most famous enemy ever since.

The Joker is mad, and his story remains an enigma. I do not believe that any backstory every crafted to explain the Joker's origin has been wholly satisfactory. He is ever ruthless, cruel, and unpredictable.


4. Cigarette-Smoking Man (The X-Files)




















"Don't try and threaten me, Mulder. I've watched presidents die."


The Cigarette-Smoking Man is the embodiment of "The Man." He is the American Darth Vader for the 90's, and the dark force whispered about in conspiracy theories, the man who really pulls the levers of power behind our massive government.

He killed JFK, assasinated Martin Luther King Jr., and made sure the Bills never won the Superbowl. He is behind everything, and, seemingly, nothing. He is all implied menace and power. He won't shoot you himself, but if you cross him no doubt you will end up with a bullet in your brain.

3. Michael Corleone (The Godfather Parts I and II)

"That's my family, Kay, it's not me. "

Michael Corleone's story, like that of Anakin Skywalker, is one of corruption and failure to live up to ideals. How does a man with a good nature who despises his family's criminal enterprises become a soulless Mafia don who has nothing but his power and wealth to comfort him? The Sicilian values of honor and family draw Michael in, but we get the sense that there has always been something dark inside of him that makes him truly GREAT at being a criminal mastermind. He is cold, calculating, and ultimately and unbeatable adversary, even for such seasoned gangsters as Hyman Roth.

At the end of Part II, as Michael sits in silence at his Lake Tahoe compound, we get the sense that his commitment to his life as an evil man is full, and that his regret and humanity is buried deep down where it will never return. He has lost everything.


2. Darth Vader (The Star Wars Saga)

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Darth Vader's story of fall and redemption is the story of Star Wars. During the films, Anakin Skywalker plays every role from innocent provincial slave child to galactic Dark Lord. Vader is tragic, powerful, and always compelling. His destiny is never in his own hands until his final choice at the end of the saga, but his Tragic Hero arc plays out on such a large scale that he bestrides the galaxy like a colossus. He is a man who will murder children, watch planets die, and sacrifice his life for his son to put an end to the legacy of his own actions. In the end, unlike Michael Corleone, Vader still has a soul to save.

And he is pretty menacing in black. Vader's characteristics have become shorthand for villainy in modern pop culture.

1. The Emperor (The Star Wars Saga)

"Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side!"

Were the question, "Who is the most compelling villain?" Darth Vader or Michael Corleone might have topped the list. The question, however, is "Who is my favorite villain?". The Emperor has no deep character traits beyond his cackling, hateful menace. He does not go through an emotional arc within the saga. He is pure, arrogant, dark black evil.

The Emperor is Satan's slightly more evil and infinitely more capable brother. He is utterly ruthless, and will not hesitate to kill off his apprentices for his own benefit. In a religious order where succession by the apprentice is the natural order, the Emperor has maneuvered in such a way as to be beyond challenge. Beyond his potent physical threat, he is a dark genius and a great judge of character. The Emperor is a complete embodiment of the dark sorcerer pulp villain, who lives only for power.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

Forget this Iran Stuff

The international fervor over the Iran election situation has become ALL you see on the news or online lately.

Would I like to see the election overturned, and see Mousavi get his victory? Yes, I guess.

But I cannot help but feel that, by caring so much about an election taking place within the system of a dictatorial, theocratic government, that we are, in a way, legitimatizing it.

Even if Mousavi does eventually get a recount and win, he is still a conservative tool of the Iranian revolutionary government, led by an Ayatollah.

In a way, perhaps, we should welcome the sham election. It just reminds the world that the Iranian government is NOT a democracy, and that there can be NO SUCH THING as a democracy when the country has a "Supreme Leader" who is elected for life.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hello Blogness My Old Friend

Its been almost a year. Sue me. I am a lazy blogger.

Unlike my namesake I am not coterminous with all time and space, therefore I have to set a reasonable limit to the time I spend with each activity I love. Blogging has thus far grabbed the shitty end of the stick.

I am pleased that Obama prevailed, Watchmen was kind of meh, and Flight of the Conchords is my current favorite TV show.

For this post I will review the 5 (At Least Somewhat) Famous Women that I both admire and have an inappropriate crush on:

5. Amelie Gillette


Who?:

Amelie Gillette regularly writes snarky blog entries in a personal column called "The Hater" for the AV Club, my one true fount of pop culture knowledge. I have read nearly every post for more than 2 years. She effortlessly devours all that is popular culture and spits it back out in a form that teaches us all that celebrities are needlessly stupid and worthy of our hilarious contempt. She saves us the effort of having to be clever for ourselves. And she is from New Orleans!

Why The Crush Is Inappropriate:

I feel that any mistake I made would be magnified in her eyes. She runs a blog called the HATER. Sure, she would make me laugh, but were I ever to displease her I would face the terrible wrath of her razor sharp wit. Within a month she would have shredded my manhood and reduced me to a whimpering bitch.




4. Feist

Who?:

Leslie Feist is Canadian Hipster Alternative Rock Female Jesus. And she is pretty hot.





Why the crush is inappropriate:

She exists on a different wavelength of reality than the rest of the puny man-animals that surround her. I could no more have and continue a relationship with her than a normal person could marry a neanderthal. My primitive humanity would be an insult to her transcendent ways.





3. Ana Marie Cox


Who?:

Ana Marie Cox is an ironic liberal blogger and twitterer who displays a gentle contempt for everyone who isn't Ana Marie Cox in Washington. She is funny, clever, smart, and very hot. Imagine Lorelai Gilmore as an online political commentator who occasionally talks to Rachel Maddow, only without the hugs, life lessons and witty daughter.


Why the crush is inappropriate:

See Amelie Gillette.






2. Felicia Day


Who?:


An exciteable 20something actress and certifiable HOT! redhead. She has appeared on Buffy (one of my favorite television shows), Dr. Horrible (a wonderfully funny online film), and produces her own online series called "The Guild" which is creative and frequently hilarious. She has a strong online presence via Twitter and her own online website.




She is also basically a genius. She went to college at the age of 16, and graduated with straight As in mathematics and violin performance.




As Penny Arcade once said, "Felicia Day is a person. Felicia day is a holiday that I celebrate in my heart."


Why the crush is inappropriate:


There is no way, as perfect as she is, that she is not some sort of robot whose sole goal is to gather intelligence on the human race so that her cyborg superiors can invade our timeline and kill us all.


1. Tegan Quin/Sara Quin












Who?: Musical goddesses. The two lead members of my favorite band. My pop culture idols. I have a sense of humor about some things I like - however I do not tolerate snarkiness nor criticism aimed at Tee-Tee and Sa-Sa.

They are better than you.

Why the crush is inappropriate: Sadly both Tegan and Sara are lesbians. Not sadly like there is something wrong with that...just, you know...they like the ladies and I am not...the ladies.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

My Summer Playlist

Let me first say that I have an eclectic taste in music. The following list makes no sense and has poor genre correlation. I also have no sense of shame when it comes to what I like and do not like.

1. Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day

Granted, I have never been the biggest Green Day fan. Pseudo-Punk isn't necessarily my happening, but...there is a strength of concept to this rock opera song that makes this a hypnotic song. It is almost like a symphony, with several different movements, each of which is basically a punk song in and of itself. I particularly like the opening lines.

2. Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

Why? Its depressing. Its sad. Exactly. I love the bittersweet elegiac qualities of 60's music, and this is one of highlights.

3. House of the Rising Sun by The Animals

If you are actually reading this blog you probably already know why.

4. Bicurious by Eto

Apparently if you are a dude Eto and his boxer friends really want to have sex with you. This is an infectious and hypnotic dance single from Germany. It has a weird eighties feel to it.

5. Come Fly With Me by Frank Sinatra

You can't go wrong with the classics. This song puts me in a good mood. A good night song.

6. Getting Away with Murder by Papa Roach

Again, punk is not my genre really, but I like the emotion in this song. In fact, I think Papa Roach is a stand out band.

7. Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Not because I wanted it, but because those freaking commercials wouldn't leave me alone. As always, the highlight of Coldplay's music is the intelligence in the lyrics.

8. The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani

Great video. This song latched on to me approximately 57 years after it had become played out to the rest of civilization (at least the part that wasn't spotted shooting arrows at helicopters this summer - those people are still coming to grips with Love.Angel.Music.Baby.)

9. Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad? by Moby

Incredible post-work, early morning chill out song. Moby gets little credit for being a musical genius, but he is.

10. Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

This more accurately belongs on my Lifetime Playlist. I never ever get tired of this song. Ever.

11. The Unsung War

Awesome pump up song. Makes you want to kick peoples' asses while invading Poland.

12. Carol of the Old Ones by the Arkham Carolers

Nothing could be more topical and hip than to take traditional christmas carols and give them Lovecraftian lyrics.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The greatest sandwich of all

Whole Wheat
Ham
Swiss
Extra Mayonnaise
Extra Pickles

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Things that annoy me....

1. People who say arse instead of ass

2. Anime

3. British phrases such as "fit" instead of hot/attractive, "mate" instead of friend, "flat" instead of apartment, and "lorry" instead of truck.

4. American Idol

5. Hillary Clinton

6. Chaos Fanboys

7. The fact that 8-BIT Theater looks to be ending soon.

8. People who are pretentious and pedantic

9. Wes Anderson films

10. Hollywood summer blockbusters